Have the Conversation

Image credit: https://www.pexels.com/@burst

When we got to the restaurant for dinner—late, because I was struggling with completing my semihomemade birthday present--the birthday girl was already there waiting. The table next to her was already occupied as well.

The young couple—early 20s?—looked to be on a date. One of their early dates, from the awkwardness between them. Aw.

So it was strange when the female kept leaning over to engage us in conversation. About what we'd ordered (when they'd ordered already). On what was good, when our food arrived. On whose birthday it was. (She could see the presents.) Whether we'd been to the restaurant before.

Here they were, eating dinner at a swanky restaurant, tete-a-tete. Shouldn't she be hanging on her date's every word?

When he went to the men's room, she slid into our table's fourth chair. "I'm so sorry, but I don't know what to do," she said. "We've been friends for years."

Turns out when he'd asked her to dinner, she'd assumed it was like any other night. Usually they went for order-in pizza and tandem television watching, but restaurants weren’t unusual. Yet when she showed up straight from work for dinner, he was there in a blazer, acting strangely, and he'd picked up the tab. Help!

Been there before. Right where she was. Does she come straight out and ask him what's up? Pretend nothing is different from any other evening, offer to pay for the next meal, and scoot fast before he can make a move? Is there some other option?

I've been there in business situations, too. There seems to be some sort of subtext, and one or both of us know what it is, but none of us come out with it directly. I've taken a sales class that calls this "mutual mystification." Example: "I thought this was just a catch up, networking lunch, but seems like there's some other context (e.g., she wants to sell me something, connections to my network, a job). I'm not sure, through and she's not coming out with it, so I don't want to make things awkward by straight-out asking what's up in case I'm off base.”

And been there in personal interactions with friends and family as well. We're both doing a dance, and neither of us is entirely sure of the other's objectives. We can guess, but we don't want to cause a blowup by acting on a guess.

I'm over it. This is ridiculous.

Just have the conversation. I'm going to be better about just having out with it, and you should be, too.

Frankly, it was bad of that guy—the one who was trying to get out of the friend zone at the restaurant—to ambush the girl with a date. He should have been man enough to talk to her, express his thoughts and feelings, and see where it went. Instead, he put them both in an uncomfortable situation.

Don't assume people can read your mind and intentions, and don't assume that an honest conversation will hurt your cause. Like my sales class taught me:

You can't lose something you don't already have.

Sure, it seems like having the conversation will be more awkward. Maybe it will be, for a moment. But in the long term, it's less awkward. They won't be wondering, confused, or even frustrated. And you won't have to worry about whether they "get it" or what each word or gesture means. And you may end up with a stronger relationship—a deeper understanding—with the person you've asked. Even if you don't get what you want.

No mutual mystification.