Self-Reliance and Self-Confidence: On the Power of Independence

Me outside The Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York City. August 2, 2019.

Likely, I have some level of innate independence. I’ve always enjoyed doing things solo; most of my hobbies and preferred fitness endeavors are solo endeavors, whether I write and read or take long walks.

I revel in alone time.

Yet people matter highly to me, as do support networks. When I left home to go far away to college—a complete upheaval to my connections and relationships—I experienced true heartbreak. In cold-turkey fashion, I’d physically separated myself from the people with whom I’d lived all my life, the people who had provided me love and comfort and support.

And through that first departure, although hard at the time, I forged from my natural independence a resilient self-sufficiency. Thousands of miles from family, without anyone geographically close to me with whom I had enough of a tie to help with challenges big (car accidents) and small (changing tires), I grew highly acclimated to taking care of everything in my life on my own.

Though I’ve remained close to my family and have built long term friendships and even long-term romantic relationships as an adult, I’ve remained a bit apart and perfectly happy as a self-sufficient human, covering it all, relying on no one.

I’ve lost the reflex to even ask for help when I have people who clearly would come to my aid if requested.

Many people haven’t had the occasion to learn to trust and rely on themselves. They think they need so much more than they need. Only when you’ve done something or gone through something once on your own can you realize that you don’t need much, even if you’d like to have it.

You gain a heady feeling of confidence when you know that you can rely on yourself and that you can do what needs to be done without anyone else.

For example, I needed surgery as an adult in a geographical location where I knew no one. I had no one who could take me to the hospital that day, to sit in the waiting room for me, to check on me in the recovery room, or to take me home. I had to find a medical-escort service to retrieve me and take me back to home base after the surgery, because hospitals won’t release you to go home without a “responsible party” after general anesthesia.

I won’t lie: I felt sorry for myself going into that first solo-surgical experience. And I had no small amount of anxiety before it. Yet, I sucked it up, I went, it happened, and I made it through the ordeal. What other choice did I have?

When I needed another procedure shortly after the first surgery, another surgery that I’d need to again go through alone, I didn’t feel the same level of anxiety. I knew I had it covered.

Of course, I recognize the fine line between independence and a lack of support system. Community and a personal connection to society has importance for the health of us all. And I’d have a difficult time counseling anyone to go through anything alone when they have the opportunity rely on and gain the support of others.

People have felt sad for me when I’ve mentioned some of my self-reliant episodes, even when I haven’t felt sorry for myself. Fortunately, I have wonderful people in my life with whom I can commiserate, experience comfort, and get help when I need it.

Yet I sense a strong sense of confidence and empowerment that, while I may enjoy a community and a support network, I do not need them to get through many of the experiences I otherwise might have thought I couldn’t go alone.

I wish more people could have the types of experiences that build strong levels of confidence and self-sufficiency. Believe it or not, you’re pretty darn capable and pretty darn competent, all on your own. Yes, you are.

You can do it. Yes, you can.