Travel that Changes You Rarely Relaxes You

I regularly see comments—across social media, though often in the traditional media—wherein people express their dissatisfaction with travel because it didn’t live up to their expectations.

Most of the time, the complaints range across registers of frustration due to discomfort: Language differences were frustrating, getting to and around the destination was complicated, accommodation didn’t align with expectations compared to home, customs and cultures didn’t match their own, they couldn’t understand what was going on around them were unhappy that they couldn’t, feeling like outsiders was alienating, plans going awry was disappointing, and then something didn’t go as expected.

And so on.

The magic of social media where people post technology-enhanced and elaborately staged perfect pictures of vacations and travel experiences—especially the rampant influencers posting such photos—has duped people into forgetting that travel isn’t picture perfect. Almost ever.

But here’s the thing: If you’re one of these people who wants travel to change you, you have to give up notions of comfort and ease. Barring a few extreme circumstances that include serious crises, you’ll learn more the more uncomfortable you are when you travel.

Before you balk, let me explain.

A friend and I exchanged e-mail recently about whether travel can change a person. I argued that it rarely did, she argued the opposite. (I love lively debates, via e-mail and otherwise.) We ultimately agreed that things going wrong on travel that tested our mettle and problem-solving skills in unknown cultures and in foreign languages—moments when we braved conversations with local people and struggled through language barriers and had genuine moments of connection, days when we participated in something highly connected to the local culture and customs even when we felt awkward and out of place, and every time we planned our travel from scratch completely on our own—we at least learned something about ourselves that changed us through teaching us about ourselves and our own cultures, even if we couldn’t always claim that we learned something concrete, objective, lasting, and self-evolving about the place we visited.

Does learning about yourself and your country and culture of origin change you? It can for some people, and in some cases. I can with 100 percent certainty say that living in countries far from my country of origin has changed me—and much more so than any travel has. Some of my travels, though, especially when I stretched myself to go places and try things and had to plan it all from scratch despite differences in language and logistics, taught me about myself and gave me new perspectives on who I am—and who I’d like to be.

You’ve got to get outside your comfort zone to expand your horizons. That’s not just a saying.

When it comes to travel of the “changing you” kind, the work to organize it, get there, visit and do, troubleshoot and problem-solve on the spot, and then return and actively process the experience will leave you more physically and mentally exhausted than you were when you left.

If you want or need a vacation to relax and recharge—as we all do at times—don’t expect to get what you need from what most people consider “travel.” Don’t go explore a new country or culture and don’t go too far away.

Instead, go to a resort or an all-inclusive spot at a reasonable distance from home base that doesn’t require any friction to get there. Ensure the destination caters to people from your home country to ensure they’ll have arranged everything to suit your expectations and will have guest services staff who speaks your language.

I regularly want relax-and-restore vacations. When I do, I take exactly this advice. In fact, ages ago, I even wrote about a debate I had at that time about whether to take a relaxation or an adventurous vacation.

At different moments, we need different things. Plan accordingly so that you don’t go off on travel and come back mad that you’re more exhausted than you were when you left. (And definitely don’t post about how much you hated wherever you went when in one of these bad moods. If you weren’t in the right mindset to be there, is the place really to blame?) Sometimes you need a horizons-expanding trip—and sometimes you need some deep rest and relaxation.